STILL Healing From Miscarriage

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” — Maya Angelou

I experienced a spontaneous miscarriage on 6/15/20. I don’t know what I thought this journey would be like. I’ve never been down this road. I think if there wasn’t some kind of desire in me to have a daughter, maybe it would be a little easier. I have continued to process my recent miscarriage, some days unexpectedly. It’s the “life that never was” and the “what if this was my daughter” that is the most painful to accept. A dear friend of mine thought enough of me to mail me a book to aid in my healing process.

This book did it for me. It started the grieving and healing process I probably would have ashamedly dismissed. I am a therapist and this book has become my therapy. One thing that stood out to me early on in the book’s content is its statements on not knowing the real pain of death until it actually takes place inside of you. Yes, any of us can be so full of life on the outside, yet carry death inside of us (sounds like another blog). For some it’s easier to process death that happens externally, but it’s much more disconcerting to process death that happens internally and unexpectedly. The automatic “it must be something wrong with me” looms over every attempt to find peace, understanding, and healing through the trauma.

Trauma. Wow, that’s what I have experienced. I am realizing and accepting I experienced a trauma. My trauma is three-fold; the death of an unborn child, the “potential” of meeting our daughter, and the physical effects of miscarriage itself. I experienced heavy bleeding that led to syncope. I was told I should have received a blood transfusion. I became anemic for weeks after the miscarriage, and I’ve never been anemic at any other time in my life. Additionally, I am also still battling severe acne that occurred as a result of miscarriage. The emotional, physical, and spiritual impacts of miscarriage are never to be ignored or dismissed, but embraced.

I am strong. I am strong because I have accepted my experience and I am willing to do the healing that is needed for my mind, body, and spirit. Through my reading and journaling, I am experiencing God as a true healer and comforter to the broken-hearted. I am understanding God’s pain even the more through my own experience of pain. I have a better understanding into the depths of death. After all, I carried death inside me until it actually left my body. And, I live to tell the story…

Dr. TC

What a week…

The past week has been a week of trauma. An experience that drained me physically, broke me emotionally, and confused me spiritually. I’m stronger physically, but still emotionally fragile. Two hours before the trauma hit, I was under a heavy spiritual anointing on an appearance on a podcast entitled “On The Brink Of A Blessing”. As I’m talking about blessings and encouraging others, little did I know how much I was going to need my own words of hope in God.

I had a miscarriage. I lost a life without warning. I experienced an internal death that has shook me to my core. The actual loss was traumatic but the process of miscarriage was also a very traumatic experience. I have never experienced anything like this and I was hoping this would not be apart of my story…but it is.

With every weapon we could grab hold of, we used it to believe for a miracle. We prayed, we joined with other prayer warriors, we used scripture, we worshipped, we had Faith, we trusted, we believed, we spoke into the atmosphere God’s Word to us. And we still experienced loss.

I’m hurt. Based on my previous post on death and birth, I have been seeking God’s understanding on how this experience will help others, and what meaning is in it for me personally. I still believe life is manifested in death. I do believe all things work for my good. I do believe a miracle is still at play. There is no way God will ignore our petitions and deny His own Word. I know the miracle we believed for is going to show up differently than we expected. And…as long as God is in control of my life (and He is) there has to be some good in this.

I don’t like it. I’ll be honest. My heart still aches. Tears still fall for my lost child. One thing I have definitely learned, if God sees fit to give me life, I will accept it, be grateful for it, and never again say “I don’t want to be pregnant”. I want what God wants.

If you are reading this and have a similar experience, reach out with supportive words and kind thoughts. I’m still processing the experience and I welcome your words of comfort.