If you have been following my writings, June 2020 I experienced a miscarriage. The shock and devastation of bouncing into the ultrasound room, alone because of COVID-19, eager and excited to see a little body with a heartbeat, only to be told “there is no heartbeat” crippled my spirit. The trauma worsened after my body loss so much blood I passed out and was physically on my knees for about 2 weeks from weakness.
I processed this experience using all I had…my faith. A friend shared a book that aided in my healing and I continued with life, with frequent flashbacks of that emotionally painful experience. I wouldn’t say I’m completely healed, but I’ve felt I’m in a healthy space of grieving this experience.
Then…March 2021, I found out I’m pregnant again. I’m shocked and happy…sort of. The questions, the sheer panic of “will it happen again”, “how will I make it through this…again”, “do we share the news or wait?”, “was it me that caused the last one?”, “what do I do?”, etc. The thoughts, the questions loom over me day after day. I have been anxious about what I eat, if I should exercise, how to sleep, who to tell, when to share, how to plan, should I plan…
This is trauma. It’s been crippling mentally and emotionally at times. It’s not fair to my unborn child to develop under so much anxiety. My faith has helped me manage, but I’m hoping I’m doing enough to protect my unborn child from inheriting the anxiety of my past trauma.
Nevertheless…I’m intentionally choosing to press forward in my healing and finding joy in what’s to come. We have passed some milestones…💕saw a heartbeat 💕 passed genetic testing 💕 found out gender 💕 have due date 💕 felt some movement …maybe I’ll get the courage to wear the “rainbow baby” t-shirt that was gifted to us, maybe not. Maybe I’ll post pics of my growing bump, maybe not. Maybe I’ll introduce our baby to our circle of influence after birth only, maybe not. My sincere prayer…that my efforts to heal continue to silence the trauma and give more voice to my JOY. 🙏🏽
Yours in Christ,